


shattered dreams (dreaming on anyways)

by colllapsingstar



Series: the wisest of all men fear love [2]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Multi, Sad Ending, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 07:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16718962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colllapsingstar/pseuds/colllapsingstar
Summary: (There was a time when things were simpler, and three became four.But that was only once.Nothing but a fond memory.)This is that time.Jon will never forget it.





	shattered dreams (dreaming on anyways)

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: Mature  
> Word Count: 2k+  
> notes:  
> Alternate Summary: Jon destroys himself by having sex.  
> To expand upon the universe from i would find you again and again. Also for more NaNoWriMo word count, because it counts as part of this universe.  
> Obviously, not real. Jon and Cassie are very, very in love with each other (and I hope it stays that way!).  
> I know I just finished, but I have to keep writing.  
> Enjoy the story!

Jon doesn't know it straight away. They aren't that obvious. But it's clear that it's the three of them and Brent as he gets to know them, just in terms of the band.

As he gets to know them outside the shows, he finds himself charmed by them. They're all nice people.

He sometimes watches their shows, taking in little details.  _ If you were someone who didn't know music,  _ he muses one day,  _ you probably wouldn't notice, but Brent is an odd man out with the three of them. _

* * *

 

That was the first time he thought something was strange about the way that the other band functioned.

It sure as hell was not the last. 

He found himself fascinated with figuring out why they were divided with an odd man out.

The only way to discover the mystery behind Panic! at the Disco was to keep talking to them. Get closer, Jon reasoned, and he would eventually find out.

_ You think a lot about them,  _ Cassie teased suddenly in his head.  _ Will I ever meet the other women? _

_ And what are you doing poking around in my head?  _ He smiled.

_ I got bored. Figured I'd see what was up with life on tour. _

_ Well, there's never a boring moment here. _

_ That's very obvious, especially with your little personal mystery. _

_ Oh, let me tell you about it… _

* * *

 

Brent sometimes hangs out with him and the other texts. He says he wants to get away from the rest of the band.

He's never wanted to get away from TAI, even if he is just their tech and not a part of them. TAI even had William.

He asks Brendon about it, because he's friends with Brendon, sort of, but Brendon doesn't really spill. “Sorry, Jon, you need to be a level 8 friend for that sort of information,” he announces. Jon thinks that Brendon's trying to not burst into laughter. “You're only a level 3 friend. You should come over to our bus sometime.”

“Maybe I will, maybe I won't,” he tells Brendon. “We'll see.”

* * *

 

He  _ does  _ end up going to their bus. Hanging out with them is fun, but Brent looks at his presence and the way all of them are and storms off to his bunk.

This just adds more to the case.

Brendon bursts into laughter. Ryan and Spencer look weirdly at Brendon. Then realization crosses both of them. Ryan snorts, and Spencer snickers a little.

“Is someone going to let me in on the joke?” he asks, but not in the whiny way.

“That's confidential,” Spencer says and frowns.

At the same time, Brendon tells him again that he needs to be level 8 friend for that information.

If he gets close enough, the mystery will be solved.

* * *

 

He isn't there when Spencer fires Brent, obviously. He isn't one of them, he has no right to be.

But he's realized that he wants to be part of them. He's developed a bit of an obsession, really, which is unfortunate.

They talk to him the day after, which is the only reason he learns about it. He had borne witness to the rising tension, but it wasn't like he knew everything.

“We fired Brent,” Spencer says.

“We want you to play with us, Jon,” Ryan makes the offer.

“Yes.” He can't think of anything else to say, dumbfounded by the fact that they're willing to offer that to him. 

Brendon hugs him, because the cuddliness is just how it is.

Spencer's gaze darts from Ryan to Brendon, and Ryan does a barely perceptible nod.

“We think there's something you need to know before you join the band. The three of us are soulmates. We have an open relationship, but we still act closer than the average set of friends.”

Suddenly, everything falls into place. “That's fine.” He's trying not to let his shock show on his face. “I have my soulmate, and I might be poly, but she's monogamous and I respect that. I understand the concepts your relationship functions over, and I'm definitely not going to tell you that it's wrong.”

“Good,” he says, and that's that.

* * *

 

_ So, they told me. _

_ And what's the big secret? _

_ They're soulmates. With an open relationship. _

_ Jon. _

_ Just because I have feelings doesn't mean that I plan to act on them. _

_ Trust me. I would never do that to you. I love you. _

_ I'd understand if you did. _

_ That doesn't mean I condone it. I'm not poly like you are. _

_ I'd feel like an asshole if I didn't respect our relationship. _

_ Having feelings is still cheating even if you don't act on them. _

_ Fuck that. It's not like I love you any less, Cassie. We're not the average couple. _

_ That's what everyone that cheats says, isn't it? _

_ You can fucking poke around in my mind if you really want to know how I feel about you, or them. _

_ Shit, Jon, you're serious about this. _

_ Of course I am. I don't care. There's nothing to find that contradicts what I said to you. _

She does poke around later. He doesn't stop her - like he said earlier, he has nothing to hide.

_ So. I understand a little more. Also, that would be super hot if I were into that. _

He knows what she's referring to - one of the more unlikely fantasies where all five of them got together.

_ Everything's cool, right? _

_ Yeah. _

_ Good. _

* * *

 

“Jon, why did you let them take you?” William Beckett whines to him.

“They didn't kidnap me. I went willingly.” He laughs a little bit. “Besides, they need me more than you do.”

“Does Cassie know about your affair?”

“Why, dear William!” He pretends to be taken aback. “How dare you insinuate that I would ever!”

It's the closest they'll come to apologizing. Jon's pretty sure of that.

He's also pretty sure that William will get over it.

* * *

 

He becomes an official part of the band a couple days after he moves onto their bus.

They're all there to help send him off, the members of TAI wishing him good luck and telling him goodbye.

“You know I'm not, like, leaving the tour, right? I'm still going to be here. You can't get rid of me that easily.” He looks at Tom. “Besides, I'd never abandon my best friend.”

But, he moves on the bus with the members of Panic! at the Disco, because he’s part of them now.

Sometimes he thinks he might understand why Brent couldn’t take it anymore. Some people aren’t cut out for the music industry and the constancy of being uprooted, going with nothing to stop it. No rhyme or reason for any of it, but they still did it anyways. It was a form of insanity, and not everyone had that sort of personality or past that needed the running to survive. He was one of those people that didn’t exactly have the past, but he was raised with music all around him. The rootlessness of it is part of him. He wouldn’t change that for anything.

But Panic! at the Disco makes him both want to leave and stay. Never make music again and settle again or fly with them until it all ends.

The possibilities are endless - but that’s why he’s so scared.

* * *

 

The one part of this that isn’t really a crisis is the thing about wanting  _ all of them.  _ He’s poly, and that isn’t exactly new knowledge.

He’s never tried to control his fantasies, and ones where all five of them get on are frequently on his mind. It’s like - he can’t stop  _ thinking about it,  _ and it’s making him more obsessed with his own ideas.

The tour is over soon, though, and they’ll part ways shortly. Of course, they’ll still be talking - Skype, text, they’ll communicate no matter what.

He wants to see Cassie. He wants to see his parents. He wants to see his old life again, ground himself in it.

He doesn’t want to lose himself to Panic. It’s terrifying that that’s a real possibility, but Jon knows that being with them could put some of the parts of him he holds dear in danger.

The temptation of it was too strong for him, though. He let himself be captivated, and now he’s stuck at a crossroads.

“Come back with us,” Brendon pleads to him around the time that they’re booking their flight tickets home.

“I have a soulmate I haven’t seen in months, and family expecting me back. I can’t stay. I’ll call and text as often as possible, promise.”

“Why can’t you just come with us?”   
“What if you were kept apart from Ryan and Spencer for months at a time because of tour? Wouldn’t you try to get them back, too?”

“He’s right.” Both of their heads snap towards the doorway, where Spencer is leaning against the frame. “He needs to go home.”

There’s a lull in the conversation, meaning that Brendon probably said something mentally.

“Mind meld!” he calls, trying to lighten the mood a little.

Brendon reddens with embarrassment, and Spencer smiles.

But the tension is broken, and it’s better. Not perfect, but better.

* * *

 

Jon sweeps Cassie into a hug the moment he sees her. It alleviates his guilt a little bit. Of course, though, she picks up on the fact that something’s wrong.

_ You okay? Missing them? _

_ Glad to be home. I missed you. _

_ Jon… _

_ I’m conflicted. I’ve been conflicted since I joined them. _

_ I know what you think of them. I know what you think of me, too. That’s the only reason I’m not worried. Any other person would be, but I know you. I know that you would never. As much as it tempts you, I have faith that you won’t give in. _

_ It’s just so fucking hard. _

_ You’re not the only one who’s hurting because of this. Because of them. _

It’s sort of comforting, the fact that both of them can blame their troubles on Panic.

_ They were thinking about getting a cabin for the next album. _

_ I know what that means. _

_ Yeah. We’re going to be talking a lot about it. _

_ I want to take a break. _

He blinks. That revelation shocks him, and he pulls out of the hug.

_ Wait, what? _

She takes a shaky breath in. “I want to take a break. Like, in our relationship. A hiatus of sorts.”

“Why?”

“You can come back when you’re ready. I- I think you need time to explore the possibilities as though I wasn’t around. I’m not going to go away. This isn’t permanent, and you can always come back to me on your terms.”

He swallows. “Okay.”

He doesn’t expect the break to last long - one of them will eventually cave. They’ve done this before, but they can’t resist each other. They can’t stay away from each other for too long; they always will gravitate back to each other.

That might just say something about the strength of their bond, but maybe Cassie feels like she’s tied to him and he keeps dragging her around through everything.

Then again, he's never actually  _ pursued  _ anyone else. Whenever they take a break, he goes off alone, hangs out with his friends, gets over the person who isn't Cassie.

He doesn't expect anything different of this time.

* * *

 

Cassie is really fucking adamant on this subject, but Jon can be just as stubborn.

He works hard to get her back.

He pushes images into her mind, all the things he would do if he had her.

Some of the images are more explicit than others, but there's a rose-colored tinge around them that isn't fabricated.

He would take her out, tell her how much he loves her.

Then, afterwards, he would  _ show  _ Cassie.

But she can give as good as she gets, and pushes back with images from his own self-destructive fantasies.

And they really are self-destructive. He feels so selfish for wanting all of them.

He starts texting Tom on day 3.  _ cass and I on break. _

_ normally isnt prob?  _ he sends back, and Tom would know why.

_ poly issues - want 2 b w her but others r. _

_ who _

_ the band _

_ shit _

_ exactly. came here instead of w them bc wanted to c cass but she wants me 2 b happy and she thinks ill be better off without her _

_ thats bs u cant help that ur poly _

_ the problem is that i rly want 2 go to them and still have her _

_ you could _

_ wouldnt b fair to her tho _

_ y? _

_ bc she isnt and would only hv me while i had every1 _

_ u shouldnt put restrictions on ur happiness. whtevr u need u should have  _

_ im scared _

_ n when hve u ever let that stop u? _

_ she thinks i love them more than her, that bc ive had her 4 so long ive grown sick of her _

_ thats ridiculous _

_ exactly _

_ ur 2 good 4 her _

_ u know ill always go back 2 her. no matter what. _

_ thats y shes stupid _

That doesn't help Jon. Not one bit.

He doesn't even know if his feelings are requited. 

Fuck.

* * *

 

He throws himself into band stuff, frequently talking to them about the cabin. They settle on one in the countryside of Nevada, near a small town.

* * *

 

It feels like a new beginning, arriving in Vegas and meeting Brendon at the airport.

They decided they would all drive up there together, in the van just like their tour. Jon wasn't there with them for all of it, but he still witnessed enough to understand the sentimentality of it.

“Remember when-” Brendon says, then abruptly cuts off, looking at Jon.

He makes a little motion to say that he isn't paying attention and to go on, putting in his earbuds (but no music).

“And look how far we've come since having sex in the back of the tour van.” Jon almost wants to say  _ wait, what?  _ but he won't do anything.

Besides, that's  _ very  _ hot, especially since he's been pining.

So he doesn't say anything, and just keeps listening.

He doesn't need to be reminded that he's fucked up.

* * *

 

Maybe, just maybe, the three of them offer a proposition to him.

Maybe he says yes.

Maybe he knows that it'll break his heart because they don't really want him like he wants them.

But maybe he tells them yes anyways, dooming himself to a life of heartbreak.

* * *

 

And that all somehow culminates here.

He's underneath one of them - it doesn't matter which one.

They're all touching him, feeling him, giving him part of what he wants.

(With their current ways, there's no way that they could ever give him what he wanted from them.)

He gives them all of him, gives them everything and one day the realization comes.

Cassie wants everything from him. She understands without being acceptive, so she wants all of him.

This realization happens to hit him as he's with them, not high for once.

As much as they're  _ supposed  _ to be making music here, he can’t deny them. 

He never could, and he never will.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I tagged Sad Ending, but here's what I think happens with Jon and Cassie.  
> After the cabin, Jon goes back to Chicago and Cassie. He has to work to get her back, and getting her back entails breaking his only promise to her - no lies, ever. But he gets her, and it's tentative, but they do fall back in love again.  
> This time, it lasts.  
> Um. You can contact me on Tumblr, but be patient because I may not reply for a while. @colllapsingstarr  
> I normally don't do playlists, or listen to anything in particular when I write, but Pool by Paramore makes me think of this story. If anyone wants to make a playlist for this series that would be amazing!  
> I *might* write a story detailing how the split goes down in this universe.  
> We'll see.  
> Until next time.  
> \- D


End file.
